11 replies to this topic

[Nvyseal]

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"

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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

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This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

[RedInferno]

LOL, excellent!

[RedInferno]

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


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Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"


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College Grad's Starting Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


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Is that what heaven is really like?

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."


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Slow Down

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

[ShadowFox]

Wonderful jokes

[Visentinel]

<%zibby2shibby> phallic: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Something loose in cockpit.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Something tightened in cockpit.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Dead bugs on windshield.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Live bugs on backorder.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
[2:28pm] <@Hempy> what am i?
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
[2:28pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Evidence removed.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: DME volume unbelievably loud.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: DME volume set to more believable level.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: That's what they're there for!
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: IFF inoperative.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Suspected crack in windscreen.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Suspect you're right.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Aircraft handles funny.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Radar hums.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Reprogrammed radar with words.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> phallic: Mouse in cockpit.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> Shadowww: Cat installed.
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> damn it
[2:29pm] <%zibby2shibby> read that tho
[2:30pm] <@Visentinel> LOL

Boogz: Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Boogz: i totlay raed thta whti 0 porblmes haha
Visentinel: haha me to

IRC Memories

Edited by Visentinel, 21 October 2005 - 10:27 AM.

[RedInferno]

THat's true....it works!

[Nvyseal]

Sex sells!!
Watch this, its funny and clean!

Attached Files

•  Blaupunkt.mpg   2.38MB   251 downloads

[Neon]

Very good dave

[ShadowFox]

LMFAO nice... good comercial for people like me.

Bass is more than just a hearing, It's a feeling (rockfordFosgate LOGO here)

[RedInferno]

Nice, lOL!

[NielsJanssen]

A priest, a skydiver, a giraffe, an elephant and the Pope walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and shouts: "Whats this? Somekind of joke?"

[RedInferno]

Lame, lame

LOL, funny though...