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> > sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
>want."
> > So he tied her up and went golfing.
> >
> > ***********************************************
> >
> > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
> > into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
> > lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
> > mountain stuff?"
> > "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
> >
> > ***********************************************
> >
> > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
> > the other is a husband.
> >
> > ***********************************************
> > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> > First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> > The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T
> > A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> > "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
> >
> > ************************************************
> > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must
> > tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> >
> > "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
> > chardonnay."
> >
> > ************************************************
> >
> > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
> > Suddenly, h er husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
> > "CAREFUL!
> > Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
>once.
> > TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
> > WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>Careful
> > ...
> > CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
> > cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
> > your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
>salt
> > them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
> >
> > The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
> > think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> >
> > The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
>like
> > when I m driving."
> > **************************************************
> >
> > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
> > was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
> > Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off
> > all his hair.
> >
> > On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
> > afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> > On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
> > been looking for Herman for 51 years.
oh man, gotta print this one 
Good ones!
Those were good, we need more joke. 
